Well, this is Awkward
by silencewillfall009
Summary: In which Harry has a friend growing up, Dudley is frequently referenced as a whale, relatives suck, and things make very, very little sense. T for Language
1. Chapter 1

_**NOTE- THIS IS BIT WAS WRITTEN WHEN I WAS IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, AND IS THUS LACKING. THIS WILL BE RECTIFIED AT SOME POINT.**_

 _ **DISCLAIMER- DO NOT RIDE DONKEYS WITHOUT A LARGE PIANO**_

* * *

"AND STAY OUT!"

The door was slammed abruptly in Harry Potter's face.

He blinked.

This was hardly new. His uncle regularly threw him out of the house, maybe once or twice a week. He would just spend the night outside, then slip inside the next morning to make breakfast. They usually left a window or door open _somewhere_. At one point, he had to climb in through a second story window.

But we digress.

Potter ambled in the general direction of the school- sometimes a sympathetic parent would take pity on him, and toss a few coins for candy or something. Maybe he could beg something off a beggar. Once, he had actually managed to get a small meal out of the change, drink and all!

 **._-/(0)\\-_.**

Isabella Harrison was silently sitting on a swing, contemplating life, the universe, and everything. Or, at least, that's what her mum used to say whenever she went quiet for extended periods of time. She noticed a little kid, ambling doggedly in the general direction of the school.

She dropped out of the swing and walked up to the kid. Bloody hell, he was _small._ Unhealthily so. Not that she was one to say anything.

"What are you doing at this time of night kid?"

The kid did a double take.

"Errr… hiking?"

 _Well, points for creativity._

"Nice try. How old are you anyways?"

"Ten."

Damn, she miscalculated. He was older than his body indicated. He looked like a bloody 7 year old. Ah well. At least he was only a year younger than her. She was _terrible_ with small children.

"And why are you out here?"

"Like I said, hiking."

His little (damnit, he's not that young) face glared defiantly up at her.

"Let's try this again. Hi! I'm Izzy! What's your name?"

"...Harry. Harry Potter."

"And _what the hell are you doing out here at bloody 12 in the morning?"_

He glanced up from staring at his shoes and responded,

"What are _you_ doing?"

Which was… actually a fair question.

"My dad kicked me out for the night. Brought out the booze, you know how it goes."

She actually surprised herself about how open she was.

The kid seemed taken aback. Then, he grinned a little.

"Yeah… I really do"

He smiled sadly.

 _Well, I guess that solves that,_

She thought blandly.

"Well, we could bond over our mutually horrid father figures?"

The kid- wait- no- Harry grinned slightly at the bluntness.

"Why not?"

 **._-/(0)\\-_.**

 _ **6 months later**_

"Jeez Harry, what took so long? Did you have to eat a pig?"

"Nope, just had to feed one."

They both smirked at that, Dudley's eating tendencies was a rich vein of conversation for them.

"Aww… Ickle Harrikins have to feed his little pets in the morning?"

"I'm not even that much younger than you!"

"Yeah, but you're smaller, and that's all that really counts."

At some point, at school, Harry began hanging around Izzy. When Dudley and his gang came around, Dudley appeared to check her up and down with an appraising eye, and whistled appreciatively. He ended up in the hospital with a bruised jugular and testicles for 3 days. Being too embarrassed to admit to having his ass handed to him by a _girl_ he claimed to have fallen down some stairs. Repeatedly. The gang left them more or less alone after that.

"Anyways, how's the orca, his mate, and the imbecile?"

She had insisted on nicknaming them as such.

"Meh. Orca is turning red a lot, he's probably going to have a heart attack at some point. Anyways, how's UAI?"

Izzy winced. At some point, she had called her father "Ultimate Asshole Incarnate", and Harry latched onto it with a vengeance.

"Still there, still dead drunk."

As they walked off to school, Harry witnessed what appeared to be an _owl_ of all things dive-bombing his front porch, dropping a letter with it.

"Hey, let me grab something real quick."

"Oi, grabbing the Orca's mail willingly now? You're getting soft."

"Oh shut up."

He checked the address.

 _Harry Potter_

 _#4 Privet Drive_

 _Cupboard under the stairs_

 _Little Whinging,_

 _Surrey_

Izzy looked over his shoulder and laughed.

"Damn, that's creepy. Almost stalkerish. You think someone's watching you sleep?"

Harry had absolutely no idea how to reply to that, considering how true that statement was. He opened up the letter.

 _HOGWARTS SCHOOL of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY_

 _Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore_

 _(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,_

 _Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)_

 _Dear Mr. Potter,_

 _We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment._

 _Term begins on 1 September. We await your owl by no later than 31 July._

 _Yours sincerely,_

 _Minerva McGonagall_

 _Deputy Headmistress_

The kids took one look at the letter, than at each other, and burst out laughing.

 **._-/(0)\\-_.**

Severus Snape was seething as he was forced to go check up on the Potter brat. Repeated letters received no response. The boy was obviously arrogant enough to force a professor to come to him, the little fucker.

He broke down the door to #4 Privet Drive.

"Alright, where is the Potter brat? In the master bedroom? In his spa?"

All the reply he got was a shocked whimper out of some sort of pig-boy hybrid on the couch, eating what appeared to be a bowl of caramel syrup. Obviously, this was some sort of failed transfiguration, so he absently changed the boy into a full pig.

"DUDDERS!"

 _Well, shit._

 **._-/(0)\\-_.**

An hour of hassle later, he went out to find the boy "with good riddance." He was apparently with "some blonde-haired whore" and "was a danger to everyone around him."

Harry Potter was obviously a carbon copy of his father.

 **._-/(0)\\-_.**

Harry was sitting at a park, reading over the "Hogwarts" letter again, snickering. Who in their right mind named poor kid "Albus"? With the last name "Dumbledore", no less.

Izzy motioned for him to move over, honestly, this cult was hilarious.

Suddenly, a greasy haired man appeared in the playground with a _crack_.

"Harry Potter, it is time for you to come with-"

 _CRACK_

A stone sailed in the air, and found its place on Snape's forehead. The man's eyes crossed, glazed over, and he collapsed.

Harry turned to look at Izzy.

"What? He startled me."

* * *

 _Next time, The wizarding world believes an incredibly powerful wizard obliviated Snape, Harry is convinced to go to Hogwarts, and other weird shit goes down._


	2. Chapter 2

**._-(0)-_.**

Professor Snape woke with a start. Where was he? What was he doing? Was he in a muggle... Playground? _The actual fuck?_ The last thing he remembered was being assigned a mission from Dumbledore to impersonate a muggle prostitute, in order to seduce and eliminate Lucius Malfoy. _What was the date? Right, the 21st of September, 1976. Well, better get to the mission._

He did a hurried transfiguration of his clothes and body, then set off. _Without transfiguring his face._

 **._-(0)-_.**

11 year old Draco Malfoy hurried to the door, eager to find who dared knock on the Malfoy's door. And possibly turn them into a ferret. He could practice his spellwork! He slammed the door wide open, to what appeared to be a muggle stripper with his godfather's face.

" _Heeeyyy, sexy-_ wait, who are you?"

"Godfather Snape?!"

 **._-(0)-_.**

Albus Dumbledore swept into his office with a fury never before seen. Severus Snape had lost literally 15 years of his life. The obliviation was so powerful, it left a dent in his skull! Whoever cast it was on a level comparable to ministry obliviators, and a good bit less subtle. He set up a scrying bowl- perhaps if he could find a sufficiently powerful wizard nearby, he could narrow down suspects and possible motives.

 **._-(0)-_.**

Harry and Izzy stared at the spot where the man got up.

"... Did he just partially turn himself into a woman?"

"...I think he did."

"...And then proceeded to dress himself as a stripper, and leave?"

"...Yes."

"Do you want to break into my dad's alcohol closet?"

"That would be welcome."

* * *

 **A/N- Sorry folks, this is a short chapter. Just a general update. This might actually become a story! I do apologize for not completing everything I said I would the first time round. Just general life gets in the way. And if you want a picture of Snape dressed up as is, PM me, because a friend photoshopped his face onto some pictures and... well, it's something.**


	3. Chapter 3

Right, I'm going to try to restart this. No promises on consistency. I'm also going to try to revamp the older chapters, as I find middle-school me's writing somewhat _lacking_ , but again, no promises on a timeframe. With that, off we go!

* * *

Izzy tried. She really did. By 4:00 in the morning, she went as far as to push Harry all the way to his aunt's front door, and leaving him there assuming he would find a way in as he somehow always did. Unfortunately, the slightly judgement-impaired Potter had other plans.

It was a very drunk Harry that was found by a concerned Police Constable some 6 hours later, leaning against a tree some 2 kilometers away, staring at a puddle, and apparently searching for dolphins.

Leaning over the very small, very inebriated minor, Constable Harold Wesson tapped his shoulder.

"Hey there bud, how you doing tonight?"

"Murgle," Harry responded eloquently.

The officer gave another valiant attempt: "What are you doing out this late?"

"The wizards try to take me away..." Harry smiled widely "But then he get smashed by rock."

The constable, being a fairly reasonable person, nodded.

"And after, he uh," Harry's faced scrunched up for a moment. "He turns curvy, yeah? And like less oily. But not less oily. Like there's oil without _oil_."

The officer blinked.

"The point I'm trying to make..." Harry blinked in confusion again. "The point I'm trying to make is... uh... dolphins."

At this point, Harry's voice began to trail off into incomprehensible gibberish about dolphins, wizards, forgetting, and massive head trauma, before slumping over and beginning to snore.

The constable, unflappable as ever, stepped over to his vehicle to call in a report.

* * *

Dumbledore stared dramatically out the window of his study. To be entirely fair, he never didn't stare dramatically. He had spent years perfecting the perfect dramatic gaze out the window, and could preform it reliably in any condition, rain or shine (though he personally thought it looked the best with a slight westward breeze to gently flap his beard).

He glanced down at a report from Madam Pomfrey, who had recently been performing diagnoses spells on Snape for 3 days, nonstop. Apparently, Snape had lost his memory due to an "incredibly impressive collision between his head, and another unusually dense object moving at high speeds."

Meaning he could reasonably step down his search for an unusually powerful unregistered wizard in the suburbs of Surrey. Thank the gods, he greatly disliked Surrey, and could not reasonably come up with an explanation as to why someone would live there.

This opened up new avenues of investigation, however. Mainly, who had found a reason to throw something at the teacher, as well as why Snape had been unable to block such an attack.

Also importantly, Potter had been moved as to what was described as a "holding center for troubled minds and youth" by the location's brochure. He seemed under no great desire to leave the location, and Dumbledore could feel the protective magic around his home fading quickly. Those with _interests_ in the boy would soon be able to find him.

Hogwarts had to get Potter. Quickly.

* * *

Izzy, not knowing where Harry was, knocked on the door to the Dursley household, and was promptly greeted with a quick "We don't know where the boy is. Probably dead in a ditch somewhere. Good riddance." The door was quickly closed, but not before Izzy caught a shout of "DUDLEY EAT YOUR DAN BACON" through the doorway.

* * *

Dudley looked at his bacon and shuddered. Feeling a brief moment of kinship with the foodstuff, he swore off meat and became a vegetarian.

* * *

Right, so I do have actual plans for a story now. Sorry bout that long wait, but I had (and am still having) troubles incorporating said plans. So this is kinda filler, sorry for the lack of light stuff here. Heads up, Izzy will fade out of the story as Harry goes to Hogwarts. I like the character, but I can't really find a way to bring her to the school being a muggle and all. Her main role was to influence Harry's childhood and later behaviors. She'll be back though, I think.


End file.
